Beyond Comprehension

Last Friday morning, dozens of parents woke up their children for another day of school in Newtown, Connecticut. They fed them breakfast, made them lunch, zipped up their coats, hugged them, and said they would see them that afternoon.

Last Friday morning, dozens of teacher and staff unlocked their classrooms, wrote objectives on the board, sharpened pencils, and welcomed students for another day of learning before the weekend.

Last Friday morning, a young man changed everyone's lives at Sandy Hook Elementary and even across our nation.

Last Friday morning, teachers, parents, students, family, friends, and complete strangers across the country begged, cried, and screamed, "Why?"

As a teacher, this tragedy has hit me in a way that it hasn't affected many people. Yes, we are all saddened by this, but my position provides an entirely different perspective. I see 48 five and six-year-old faces every day. I answer their questions, tie their shoes, read them stories, help them write, count, and read. I strive to inspire, motivate, encourage, and challenge them. I hear about their hurting tummies, their pets, and their stories. I witness their good and bad behaviors, their friendships, their laughter, and learning successes. I see 48 young faces everyday, but this week, I have really been looking at the faces looking up at me.


As I see their innocent smiles, I can't help but think about the students and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary. It's just there--in the back of my mind. It is so hard to suppress the "what-if's". So hard when we have taken so many extra precautions now. So hard when the media won't allow my mind to rest.

I know we live in a fallen world. I know evil reigns here on earth. I know God is in control. I know He has a plan. I know all things work together for good to them that know Him. I know, I know, I know.

But what I don't know, is how someone could ever take the life of another, of a child, of a stranger. I don't know why.

And I never will. It is beyond comprehension. My heart hurts if I try to wrap my mind around it. And so I don't try. I don't attempt to understand how this could have happened--because I simply will not find an answer that I can accept. Instead, I feel somewhat numb. On the edge of okay and confused. I try to hold on to what I know.

I know we live in a fallen world. I know evil reigns here on earth. I know God is in control. I know He has a plan. I know all things work together for good to them that know Him. I know, I know, I know.

And I know that He holds me in the palm of His hand and I am safe from this world. I know that greater things are still to come. I know that someday, all the tears and hurt will be gone, and only joy, peace, and love will remain.

It's not easy, and the pain isn't gone. To be honest, the anxiety isn't gone either. But I know that I am not in control. I know that I still have a job to do. I know that I still have 48 faces waiting to see me smiling and strong tomorrow. I know that I have the responsibility and the privilege to teach those children. These things I know. I will hold on to what I know, and realize that the rest is simply beyond comprehension.

Beauty Through Smoke

Okay, I'm gonna get all mushy and metaphor-y.

When I came outside of the school board meeting tonight, I saw this gorgeous sunset!

The picture (which I took out my car window while at a stop light) does not even do it justice! It was blood red orange and the sky around it was infused with the same intense hues!

I said to my colleague "Wow, look at that sunset!"
She replied "ya, it's because of all the smoke and junk in the air today."
"Oh, right. Well, it's still beautiful!"

And then on the drive home, I got to thinking. Sunsets are beautiful, they really are, and no two are alike. But this was exceptionally colorful and vibrant because of negative substance. Beauty from filth.

So then my mind jumped to some analogies about my life at this point in time and my faith.

Life at this point in time:
I applied to over 20 positions in 4 districts in 2 states for a teaching job. I had 2 interviews for 1st grade about 2 weeks apart. I REALLY wanted both positions. Unfortunately, both principals called me to say "you had really great answers, you'd be a great asset to the district, but....we hired someone else." I cried, a lot, both times. I was crushed. The school year was getting closer and I had no job. I thought either of those positions would have been perfect. A step up from my student-teaching experience in Kindergarten, a school really close to my house, a few weeks to plan before school started...great! But, notice I said "I" thought they would have been perfect. In spite of the major disappointment, I knew God had a different idea of perfect. That idea was a half-day Kindergarten position. Going into the interview, I was not as stoked because I wanted full time and I wanted a higher grade. But I went and I interviewed. When I left that interview I thought, there is NO way, I am getting that job. That was my worst interview of all 3. I rambled, didn't answer the questions right, was clueless about some answers. OH VEY! And yet...the call a few hours later said they wanted to hire me! WHAT?!?!?! Shocked and so happy, I accepted and started the next morning at 8:15. I have been going full steam ever since and now I am SO blessed to have 1/2 day. I don't know HOW I could handle full-time teaching with all the extra work that goes on. God knew I would be overwhelmed as it is with me job and wife roles. God knew I needed a nice transition into both of my  new roles. God had the perfect plan. He knew. So as I sit here each night, organizing, reading, filing, planning, etc. I am so thankful for my current sunset in spite of the smoke I went through to get here.

Faith:
A smoky sunset could not be a better analogy of Christ's love, sacrifice, and grace for us. I believe that His goodness and mercy becomes even more profound and amazing in light of our selfish and sinful ways. Through our pain and suffering, we can rejoice in His peace and hope for the future. Through His pain and suffering, He freely offers us that hope. Beauty through smoke.

Here I am on the First Day of School, smiling, and so happy to be an official teacher! Praise Jesus!

Leave me a comment to let me know you stopped by and/or if you want to share your own Beauty Through Smoke story.

By the way, I have linked up with a couple other blogs that have many similar topics as my blog. Check them out here:

Blessings Come Through Raindrops

This morning I woke up to a strange sound...raindrops! 3 months ago I would have hated waking up to this sound, but this morning it was so nice. I knew today would be cooler and a relief from the heat both inside and outside of my house. Not only is it raining though, but there was also some good thunder and lightning. I actually enjoy thunder and lightning storms. There is just something beautiful in the flashes and booms that makes me feel vulnerable and small yet safe and protected because the One who controls the storm also holds me in His hands. (sidenote: I do not however like when the house gets hit by lighting...the beauty is lost VERY quickly in that instance).

As I sat this morning reading emails and looking out the window at the rain, I thought back to the last time it rained...the morning of my wedding! And the last time there was thunder and lightning...after my rehearsal dinner.

The two weeks leading up to my wedding, the forecast showed sunny and HOT. My mom was not happy about the hot as she has told me since Day 1 to not have an outdoor summer wedding because everyone will pit out. This is probably the only instance I completely disregarded what my mom said and planned my outdoor summer wedding anyways :). So when the forecast showed her words becoming true, I quit looking at the weather websites. I knew I was not in control, that yes we might be hot, but as long as it didn't rain (especially since the month before had been SO rainy) I would be happy.

Fast forward to Thursday night before my wedding. After my bachelorette party and all my bridesmaids went to sleep, my parents and brother pulled me aside to "talk".  They announced the worst news that a bride could hear for her outdoor summer wedding: there was an 80% chance of rain for Saturday. NOOOOOOO!!! I will be the first to admit, I cried. Okay, I bawled. No, no, no. How could this happen? The middle of July! I had dreamed of, planned, and imagined this outdoor, sunny, summer wedding practically my whole life. All the decor I had spend months on would be soggy and gross. Guests would be miserable and leave early or not even come. My hair would be a frizz-bomb disaster. This was not good. I cried some more.

My parents told me we needed a Plan B. For the time being, we would stick with Plan A and pray, but if we thought of a second option now, we would be able to execute it sooner and make it as great as possible rather than waiting until the last minute.

We created several Plan B's:
~have the wedding inside our church and the reception either outside or inside there as well
~have the wedding outside at the farm and then the reception inside at the church
~rent as many tents as we could to cover ceremony, dance floor, and tables plus umbrellas for pictures

Oh it was so hard to choose one because any totally destroyed the image in my head. I did NOT want it inside, but I did NOT want guests and decor to be soggy and lead to a short wedding/reception. I was leaning towards the church however because at least then people would be dry and stay for a fun time. Thankfully my parents told me I could sleep on it, and we could decide later the next day or even Saturday morning. When my mom said "goodnight" to me, she said, "remember, only 2 thing are important on Saturday: you and N get married, and God is glorified." Those two things were very much our motto the last week leading up to the wedding and even more so now with my dreams potentially being washed away.

As I crawled into bed, I called my fiance and we talked about it while I cried a little bit more. He, as always, went the optimistic route and said he wanted to stick with Plan A unless it was a torrential downpour. Rain where I live is either a 5 minute downpour or a several hour light drizzle. Either would be manageable.

Friday morning was sunny, but the forecast was still not looking better. My parents were both on the phone figuring out logistics and options. My dad was able to rent several large tents and so we decided to stick with the wedding and reception at the farm. The tents would be used in the best way possible to keep people, decor, and food dry. To create the best set-up based on the weather, we changed the delivery of tables, chairs, and tents until Saturday morning.

We went about our tasks on Friday, buying last minute food items, discussing decor set-up, and the rehearsal. The rehearsal, by the way, was SOO hot. My Maid of Honor got heat exhaustion from earlier that day and skipped the rehearsal to recover so that she wouldn't be sick for the wedding. Thankfully that did the trick and she was revived in time for the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal went smoothly, dinner was fun and delicious, and it was gorgeous and sunny the whole time. But on the drive home, the dark clouds rolled in, and that night it rained, thundered, and lightninged.

I fell asleep that night telling myself "2 things, just 2 things are important." I was disappointed of course, but I was okay. I knew it would still be great.

Wedding day! I woke up, and it was raining. My heart was a little sad, but I was still okay. I knew my parents and dear family friends were already at the farm working to set everything up in the rain. I texted both my parents to say "sorry they were getting wet, thank you for doing it, and I could come help if they needed." My mom replied saying she was still in bed! I got up and went and crawled in with her as she made phone call after phone call to coordinate food prep, someone buying umbrellas for taking pictures, etc. etc. etc.

As my bridesmaids woke up and we started getting ready, it stopped raining, and the sun slowly, but surely began peeking through the clouds. Dozens of people were praying for good weather and God was answering!

By the time, the photographer arrived, it was completely sunny and we were able to take bridal party pictures outside. We headed over to the farm. It. Was. AMAZING! There was a tent over all my decor pieces that looked so great! Having it in the tent really pulled it all together. All the tables were covered by tents and twinkly lights had been strung up! My parents and so many dear friends worked very hard to make it look incredible! They got wet and spent extra money to pull it off and make the image of my wedding become a beautiful reality! Thank you thank you!

It ended up not raining at all! We were so blessed! It was sunny, blue skies, beautiful, and a nice warm temperature. The tents were still great to provide shade and I think it looked really nice how the tables were all together under the twinkly lights and tent tops.

I learned some good things through all this:
~always have a Plan B, even if it is the middle of July
~focus on what is truly important
~prayer is powerful
~different can be better--the decor tent turned out better than I think it would have without the tent and with the tents over the tables we were able to have twinkly lights!
~expect rain at some point in the day if you get married at that farm (mine was the 3rd wedding there with rain at some point in the schedule)
~friends and family who will do anything for you are the best things ever!

So I sit here today, thankful for the rain because it will be cooler and allow me to comfortably be productive in my home. And as I sit here, I think back to my wedding, the tears, the smiles, the rain, the sun, the people, and the memories! I am so thankful for all of that. I think I needed that rain those few days. I needed that reminder that even though I had planned, I had made decisions, I had worked, I had dreamed, still, I was not in control. I needed to re-learn those things I listed. I needed to be blessed by the rain.

Sun shines through the Rain

I'm sitting in a coffee shop on the corner of two streets. It is raining on one street, but not on the other. Clouds have come and gone all day, but now there are blue skies and warm sunshine and yet, still some rain falls. Is this weather not also apparent in life? Difficult situations come and go like the rain clouds. Or maybe one area of our life is going great yet the struggles in another aspect still discourage us. And yet, the sun will always come out again. The sun can pierce through clouds and shine through the drops of rain. This paradox even results in a beautiful rainbow. God's love never stops. Even if we feel alone and discouraged during hard times, He is still there. The clouds can cover up the sun, but they cannot keep it from existing and shining. Stressful situations might consume our thoughts and cause worry, but they cannot change the fact that God is in control and He has a plan. When we recognize this promise, we can experience joy in suffering, perhaps as sweet and beautiful as the vibrant hues of a rainbow.

So, there are some thoughts for the day, and now that it has stopped raining, I'm off to do some photography.

Winding Down

Whoops, I let another week go by without posting. It was another good week! I finally got over my stupid cough, which lasted annoyingly long.

One week from today, I will be on my way home with my parents. So crazy to think about! Almost 3 months ago, Jill and I drove up scared and nervous and now we love it here!

Last week was a lot of fun. Had some good sunny days at the beach, a good group of kids and some fun adventures with friends. On Wednesday, I woke up at 2:45 am, on purpose! A bunch of us met up and drove to Saddle Mountain to hike up by the light of flashlights and the full moon. I think its a two mile hike. It wasn't too bad of a climb and lots of fun chatting with people. The views along the way were breathtaking and the scenery from the top was amazing even in the dark. We hung out for about 20 minutes at the top until the sun came up. It was so awesome to see the first speck of light peak over the mountains. We could see Mt. Rainier, Mt. Hood, and Mt. St. Helens from up there. We all just sat in awe of the landscape and the colors that the sun painted across it. After lots of pictures, time praying and watching the sun rise, we headed back down. I hiked alone for most of the way down and it was really good to pray and think while I walked or ran. I think this hike was a really good closure on the summer for me. This might sound cheesy but I came up with a metaphor for this hike. The climb up was fun because it was something new but also kinda hard--not being able to always see that great, hot, spiderwebs in the face, steep; never knowing how much farther. That represents my first two years of college I think. They were really fun but as time went on--winter quarter of sophomore year especially--it got really tough. When I got to the top I was out of breath, hungry, and couldn't see very much. By spring quarter of school I was sick of classes, frustrated with myself over a lot of things, and needing something new. The time when the sun came up and was rising over the landscape lighting it up and adding colors is my time here this summer. I sat there and prayed and praised God for his creation. I was able to see so much clearer with the light and the trail we had come up. This summer has re-connected me with God and let me see where I have come from the past two years. The hike down I was alone though I knew friends were in front of me and behind me a ways. Heading back to school I might feel alone having to say goodbye to my friends here, but I know I can keep in touch with those I say goodbye to and there are friends waiting for me. After the steep section where the footing is hard, I ran down most of the mountain. I am hoping that in the next few weeks I feel ready to go back to school and stand firm in all that I've grown this summer. I may be standing alone sometimes but I want to be okay with that. At that same time though, I don't want this summer to just be a mountain-top experience, it needs to be only a vantage point on my climb higher and higher.

After the hike I napped, layed out on the grassy lawn with friends and then went to here Luis Palau speak. For Moonshadows we went to the arcade in Seaside. It was a lot of fun to play games with friends and have a lot of laughs. Thursday was my last carnival and I got to the Obstacle Course which was a lot of fun. Friday night we hung out in Fireside with Zach since it was his last night. I had volunteered with 2's and 3's during the week and met these adorable twin girls who always ran up to give me hugs whenever they saw me. They were with their family in Fireside that night and I played with them for a bit. It made me feel so happy to make the smile and laugh so much. They were so precious and I love little kid hugs!

Saturday I went to kid breakfast, napped, cleaned, went to the beach for a bit, woo-hoo meeting and then volunteered with 4's and 5's. I always thought if I came back next summer I would want to work with older kids. But after volunteering with toddlers and 4--5s this week I think I would want to do younger kids. They are just so precious and innocent! I love being able to make them smile and be goofy with them. I think I am going to help out with 4-5s again tomorrow.

I have to go do a rec shift now, but I will finish writing tonight maybe.